This book helped me understand women better than any other thing or person. It’s divided into eight parts: Part 1 teaches you how to be a man. Embrace criticism, discover your purpose etc. The remainder chapters are dedicated to exploring the innermost thoughts of most women and the male/female dynamic.
1 Guide to being a man
- Stop hoping for a completion of anything in life. Most men make the error of thinking that one day it will be done. It won’t. As life continues, the creative challenge is to tussle, play and make love with the present moment while giving your unique gift.
- Live with an open heart even if it hurts. This means if you know a girl doesn’t like you, accept it and move on.
- Act as if your father were dead. That is, live an authentic life, not the one expected of you.
- Know your real edge and don’t fake it. It is honourable for a man to admit his fears, resistance and edge of practice.
- Always hold to your deepest realisation. Make your life an ongoing process of who you are, at your deepest, most easeful levels of being. Everything other than this process is secondary.
- Never change your mind just to please a woman.
- Your purpose must come before your relationship.
- Learn just beyond your edge.
- Do it for love. The way a man penetrates the world should be the same way he penetrates his woman: not merely for personal gain or pleasure, but to magnify love, openness and depth.
- Enjoy your friends’ criticism. A man’s capacity to receive criticism is a measure of his capacity to receive masculine energy.
- If you don’t know your purpose discover it now.
- Be willing to change everything in life. A man must be prepared to give 100% to his purpose, fulfil his karma or dissolve it, and then let go of that specific form of living. He must be capable of not knowing what to do with his life, entering a period of unknowingness and waiting for a vision or a new form of purpose to emerge.
- Don’t use your family as an excuse. Your kids are not what’s holding you back in life.
- Don’t get lost in tasks and duties, or confuse them with your purpose. Tasks don’t get a man anywhere more conscious or free than he is capable of being in this present moment.
- Stop hoping for your girl to get easier. A man should never think his woman’s testing is going to end and his life will get easier. Her tests may come in the form of complaining, challenging him, changing her mind, doubting him, distracting him, or even undermining his purpose in a subtle or not so subtle way. He should appreciate that she does these things to feel his strength, integrity and openness. Her desire is for his deepest truth and love. As he grows, so will her testing.
2 Women Are Not Liars
- Women are not liars but don’t believe the literal content of what she’s saying. The ‘truth’ of the feminine is whatever she is really feeling in this present moment. Instead, know that she is talking about her CURRENT feelings.
- Praise her. The masculine grows by challenge, the feminine grows by praise. It is always better to call the glass half full than half empty with your woman.
- Tolerating leads to resentment. Instead, deal and open her moods with skilful loving. Occasionally, talking helps but not as much as humour or physically expressed love.
- 90% of a woman’s emotional problems stem from feeling unloved. Don’t suggest a woman fix her own emotional problem. Any analysis or attempts to ‘fix’ her will just piss her off. Instead, express love.
- Most men are afraid of, or disgusted by, feminine emotions. You try to fix them or escape from them. One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands fully present, unreactive in the midst of his woman’s emotional storms. Stay present, and love her through the layers of wildness and closure.
- Don’t force the feminine to make decisions. Feminine decisions are based on what FEELS right. Tell her what you would do and why (based on your masculine perspective) but also tell her you’ll love her regardless of the decision she makes.
3 Sexual Polarity and Energy
- Masculine men are attracted to forms of feminine energy. Sexual attraction is different from having sex. Intimacy is a choice between people who want to commit to loving and serving one another. Whereas the zing of attraction is a choiceness natural flow of energy between your masculine core and feminine energy, wherever it is found.
- Choose a woman who is your complementary opposite. The more masculine you are, the more feminine your partner.
- Only about 10% of couples are actually the neutral or balanced type in their true essence, the rest was because you depolarised each other into a relationship that seems neutral. The depolarisation of relationships is one of the main reasons for break up.
- The feminine is free of the masculine need to live in a world governed by reason and control.
- Any man with masculine sexual desire will often want more than one woman. Even if he loves his intimate partner and is completely committed to her. How a man deals with his desire for other women is up to him. But know that acting on such desires is often more trouble than it’s worth.
4 What Women Really Want
- A man must determine whether a woman really wants him but is playing hard to get or whether she really doesn’t want him. If she doesn’t want him, he should immediately cease pursuing her and deal with his pain by himself.
- The priority of the masculine core is mission, purpose or direction in life. The priority of the feminine core is the flow of love in intimacy.
- Your woman is a form of the goddess, taunting you, testing you, seducing you, ready to chop your head off with her wrath if you are weak and ambiguous in your truth, and ready to surround to the force of your loving if you are steady and brilliant in your loving consciousness.
- The thing your woman is complaining about is rarely the thing she is complaining about. It is a mistake to believe the content of what she is saying, and then respond to her complaints, point by point. When she complains about financial issues, she is usually feeling a lack in your masculine capacity to direct your life with clarity, purpose and integrity. The money itself is secondary. If you were poor but totally conscious, happy, loving and giving your fullest gift to the world and to your woman, she wouldn’t complain about lack of money.
- A woman sometimes seems to want to be the most important thing in her man’s life. However if she is the most important thing, then she feels her man has made her the number one priority and is not fully dedicated to divine growth or service. She will feel her man’s dependence on her for his happiness, and this will make her feel smothered by his neediness and clinging. A woman really wants her man to be totally dedicated to his highest purpose and also to love her fully. Although she would never admit it, she wants to feel that her man would be willing to sacrifice their relationship for the sake of his highest purpose.
- Your excellent track record is meaningless to her. A man’s track record means nothing to the feminine. A man could be perfect for ten years, but if he’s an asshole for 30 seconds his woman acts like he’s always been one. The feminine responds to the moment of energy, forgetting her man’s history of past behaviour. So as long as you see she’s upset, immediately assume happiness. Shock her with your love. Make her smile and laugh with your humour. Lick her neck, or lift her off the ground and pretend you’re like King Kong.
5 Men’s Dark Side
- The masculine is always seeking release from constraint into freedom. The feminine often doesn’t understand these masculine ways and needs. Orgasm, sport, war. Feeling of death is the ultimate masculine fear and freedom. The capacity to face death for the sake of freedom, whether actually in war or ritually on the football field, is the ultimate masculine act, evoking men’s deepest emotions.
- The feminine, on the other hand, is not seeking freedom, but love. A woman’s bliss is not in emptiness, but in fullness. The man begins snoring after orgasm. He has finally achieved, in post-ejaculative emptiness, the blissful freedom from stress he has been seeking all day. She, however, is hoping to experience love and fullness through sex, and a snoring man just doesn’t do it for her.
- Own your darkest desires. She wants the ‘killer’ in you. Fearlessness, or the capacity to transcend the fear of death for the sake of love, is a quintessential form of the ultimate masculine gift. In other words, never ask your woman to kill the cockroach.
- You must match her energy with consciousness demonstrated through your body. If your woman is tense or closed down, lift her arms up above her head and kiss her heart. Don’t just tell her to open up. Actually open her up, physically, with the openness of the your body.
6 Feminine Attractiveness
- There is never a shortage of feminine energy, only a resistance to receiving, trusting and embracing it.
- Convert lust into service. When you feel the feminine energy in your body, don’t deny the sexual attraction, instead, enjoy it fully, let it circulate through your body (without allowing it to stagnate as mental fantasy) and return it to the world from your heart.
- The purpose of sexual desire is creation. Women are men’s muse or inspiration. Women move men to create and serve humanity.
- When a man denies his desire for the feminine, it is a sign of his depolarisation even toward the world. He may seek a mistress in order to reinvigorate him, but this is usually only a temporary and complicated solution, since it is only a matter of time before his mistress also becomes familiar, and thus tiresome. A man has no excuse; he must cultivate a polarised relationship to his woman and his world if he is to remain in relationship with them. Otherwise, he will begin to reject, resist and resent the world and women, undermining his capacity to give his gift.
- When things get really bad, she seems so ugly and dark that you are repulsed, and your complete withdrawal leaves her barren at her core. You may stay together because you love each other, but both of you are depolarised, more disgusted than turned on by each other. During these times you probably begin to feel the same disregard toward the world. Over time, you may begin to lose interest in your projects and career. You may consider changing jobs, or finding another woman. It seems that newness, in and of itself, will be more attractive and exciting than your worn-out woman and your droning career.
- And you are right. A new woman and new work will excite you and cheer you up. And this is exactly what a mediocre man does: He stays with a woman and a project for as long as they interest him and turn him on. When the excitement seems to wear off, he moves on to another and then another hopeful source of polarity and experiment. It is not time that kills delight, but familiarity, neutralisation and lack of purpose. Another man might find your woman to be quite a turn-on even though she seems old-shoe to you. It may not be your woman who has worn out, but your capacity to desire.
- Although both of you are playing this downward spiral often darkening depolarisation, you must not blame her. A superior man always assumes complete responsibility, knowing that, ultimately, he has no control at all and everything is out of his hands. He acts with impeccable courage and persistence, expects nothing but his inherent feeling of completeness he enjoys in the fullest giving of his gift. When your woman is looking withdrawn, dark or downright ugly, assume she is a goddess and needs your divine invasion of her heart and body. Can you invade her body and hear with so much love and humour that she laughs, relaxes, and brightens, in spite of herself? Can you bring out the consort in her by treating her with the same teasing and sexually pregnant touch and gaze that you would your mistress? You will not want to, that’s for sure. When you are depolarised, the last thing you want to do is get it up for that potato. And yet, this is exactly what a superior man does, with his woman and his world.
- Rather than deciding to move on because you are too weak to overcome your own naturalised lack of desire, try to take on the challenge of manifesting love in the dreary world and in your dreary woman. Use your body and mind to smithereen your woman’s darkness into love. Even if she has yellow eyes and fangs, she still loves to dance.
7 How To Make Love
The most poetic manual on premature ejaculation, perhaps?
Here’s the prescription:
- Don’t fantasise inward, remain present, aware of your body, breath and mind and be especially attentive to your partner
- Keep your body and your belly relaxed and full. This prevents too much tension accumulating in one area (your penis)
- Learn to feel into, and then through, your partner. Whatever you’re feeling, feel it fully, then feel through and beyond it
- Through the day and during sex, practice breathing so that your inhalation moves energy down the front of your body and exhalation moves energy up your spine
- During sex, practice upward contraction of floor of your pelvis while breathing sexual energy up your spine, so you don’t come.
8 Men and Women
- Intimate relationship is never the priority in a masculine man’s life and always the priority in a feminie woman’s life. If a person has a masculine sexual essence, then his priority is his mission, his direction towards greater release, freedom and consciousness. If a person has feminine sexual essence, then her priority is the flow of love in her life, including her relationship with a man whom she can totally trust, in body, emotion, mind and spirit. Man and woman must support each other in their priorities if the relationship is going to serve them both.
- When your intimacy is going great, your woman’s life is filled with colour of love. She feels good at work, at home, in bed. But, for you, things are different. When your intimacy is going bad, you can’t wait to leave the house and go to work; there, you can be in your element, aligned with purpose, and happy. For you, intimacy is just one aspect of your life. When you are absorbed in your mission, you often forget entirely about your intimacy. For your woman, intimacy is at the core of her life and colours everything else she does. This is the primary asymmetry in intimacy.
- You must not deny your woman’s feminine essence by feeling or saying to her, ‘Your whole life seems to revolve around our relationship? That’s not healthy. You should have your own life, your own direction, your own career and friends. Stop complaining about our intimate problems and get a life?’ While it is common sense that she should live a fulfilling and engaging life outside of your relationship, it is sexual wisdom to understand that her feminine essence will always hold the flow of love at its centre.
- The desire for intimate loving is as central to your woman’s life as your mission is to yours. If you want your woman to honour and support you in your quest for freedom, you must honour and support her in her love of loving. Her devotion to love has a lot to teach you. Some men feel guilty for not being as ’into’ their relationship as their woman is. You must understand that this is natural. If you have a masculine essence and your woman a feminine essence, you will never be as concerned, distraught, or elated about your intimacy as your woman is. Don’t fake it. Don’t try to act concerned for the sake of your woman. She can feel where you are really at. Instead, be authentic to your core desires, and dedicate your life, with utter impeccability, to your highest goals. If one of your highest goals is psychological or spiritual freedom, then you will highly value your intimacy. Nobody will press your buttons or reflect your asshole to you better than your woman. She will point out your weaknesses better than a boot camp drill sergeant. She will reflect your ambiguity or clarity better than any workshop teacher. She will do you better than a whore and giving you more loving than you can handle. And all the while she will shower your life with radiant blessing, healing and enlivenment – if she learns to own her true feminine desires and you learn to own your true masculine desires. When you both honour the primary asymmetry in intimacy, you can each concentrate on your true desires rather than compromising for the sake of an imaginary truce between genders.
- There are masculine and feminine gifts in intimacy, and each gift comes with its own responsibility. The direction of growth of a relationship is primarily the man’s responsibility. The energy of an intimacy-pleasure, sexual flow, and vitality-is primarily the woman’s responsibility. A man is responsible for the woman’s depth of love, or openness of mood, and the woman is responsible for the man’s erection or energy in the body and the world. It is extremely difficult for most women to get out of their mood once they are in it. Your loving intervention is one of your greatest masculine gifts. The point is not to be her therapist, but to be her wake-up call, her heart-opener, her reminder of the primacy of love. If it takes you more than five minutes to open her into love, you are probably talking too much and acting too little. Or, perhaps you have forgotten your true purpose. Your masculine gift is to know where you are, where you want to be, and what you need to do to get there. If you don’t know one of these, then you need to discover it by any means necessary. This vision is essentially the basic gift you have to offer your women, as well as the world. If you have no higher vision than day-to-day grind of housework, job, childcare, TV and vacations, you are failing your birthright. Your woman will feel cheated and ungifted by you, as will the world. And they will both give you less of their gifts in return.
- Insist on practice and growth. Weak man will say to his woman ’My way or the highway!’ A man in the process of growing will often soften his direction and seek a compromise, playing Mr. Nice Guy. But a superior man will not settle for less than the fullest incarnation of love of which he and his woman are capable of. With compassion, he slices through all bullshit and demands authenticity and humour. It’s as if he were saying to his woman, ‘The Divine Way or the highway!’ It’s the same masculine insistence on direction that a weaker man will demand. But rather than wanting his woman to follow his personal direction, a superior man wants her to move in the direction that most serves her growth in love and happiness. He will settle for nothing less.
- The law of conservation dictates that whatever masculine gifts you aren’t offering, your woman will naturally try to offer. When a man who doesn’t know his life direction tries to steer his woman, not only does he not know which direction to take, but if he doesn’t take direction, his woman will. Her masculine attempt to cut through his lolling will depolarise them both. And if he moves into his feminine, things may get worse. A deep habit may develop wherein no matter how strong he is in the business world, he becomes pussy whipped in his relationship. His woman gets sharp and masculine, he becomes falsely receptive and agreeable. Meanwhile, both of them want to vomit.
- A man rediscovers and fine tunes his purpose in solitude, in challenging situations and in the company of other men who won’t settle for his bullshit. A woman strengthens her feminine radiance best in the company of other woman in mutual celebration and play.
- Unadorned suffering is the bedmate of masculine growth. Only by staying intimate with your personal suffering can you feel through it to its source. By distracting yourself with work, TV, sex and reading, you suffering remains unpenetrated and hidden, and the source remains hidden. Feel your suffering, rest with it, embrace it, make love with it. Almost everything you do, you do because you are afraid to die. And yet dying is exactly what you are doing, from the moment you are born. Two hours of absorption in a good Super Bowl telecast may distract you temporarily, but the fact remains. You were born as a sacrifice. And you can either participate in the sacrifice, dissolving in the giving of your gift, or can you can resist it, which is your suffering. By eliminating the safety net of comforts in your life, you have the opportunity to free fall in this moment between life and death, right through the hole of your fear, into the unthreathenable openness which is the source of your gifts. The superior man lives at this spontaneous sacrifice of love.
- The other means, besides austerity, for rediscovering your masculine core is through challenge. There must be consequences for freezing in the face of fear. You must instill consequences throughout the rest of your life, unless you want to cling to the safety net of superficial pleasures.
- Get together with your men friends to serve one another. Cut through the bullshit and talk with each other straight. If you feel your friend is wasting his life, tell him so, because you love him. Welcome such criticisms from your friends. Suggest challenges for each other to take on, in order to bring each other through the fears which limit your surrender in gifting. Always agree on consequences for not persisting in the challenge. Whatever you do, share as much loving as you can with your friends, without settling for mediocrity or less than each man’s fullest gift.
- Like dissolving in the intensity of orgasm, a man’s greatest desire is to be utterly released. Moment by moment, practice loving through your woman and the world, allowing the force of your surrender to transform every moment into an orgasm of divine dissolution. Embrace every moment of experience as a lover, and trust whatever direction love moves you. Die in the giving of your gift, so you don’t even notice you have stopped holding onto yourself. Fear is your final excuse. Don’t fight it. Love through it.