You know you’re a seasoned investment banker when..
You remove the “F1” key from your keyboard
The “F1” key is a big no no. There is nothing worse than having the “help” window pop up when you’re trying to smash out a model. Every second counts in this ruthless profession.
You max out your mouse’s sensitivity
Maxing out the sensitivity (or “pointer speed”) on your mouse means less wrist strokes, which means you’ll toggle between tasks and documents quicker. And get home earlier. You gotta make every second count in this industry.
You put down 0% capacity 100% of the time
Make a conscious decision to love yourself.
You can spot a double space from a mile away
Because the last thing you want is for your client to tell your boss that they’re gonna go with the competitor because there is a spelling error on page 394. Did you spot the double space?
You’ve got a war story to tell
I’ll share with you four stories, one of which is mine.
1. Bob experiences chronic foot pain resulting in hospitalisation. Diagnosis was severe Vitamin D deficiency. There is now an X-ray of the foot hanging on the office wall.
2. After getting to bed by 4am, Mary wakes up screaming in pain from right calf muscle spasm. Followed by agonizing left calf muscle spasm just as she manages to get back to sleep. Mary barely makes it to work the next morning due to the soreness in her calves. Her colleagues offer to buy her lunch that day.
3. Post surgery, Rob’s laptop is confiscated by the hospital nurse due to sustained high blood pressure readings. A photo of Rob with his laptop laying on the hospital bed is showcased in a corporate presentation, highlighting our unrelenting commitment to our client.
4. The time is 4am. The auditor picks up a material error in the model. Maria (the modeller), not having slept for two nights, can’t stop her hands from shaking. With the deadline fast approaching, Maria’s boss delivers the prep talk of his life. Maria faints. Maria’s boss instructs the others to escort her back to the hotel room and proceeds to fix up the model himself.